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Homemade Cheese/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Big week at the lodge. Junior singleton's been away. When he came home, the milk in his fridge had turned lumpy and fuzzy. It looked like little eggplants drowned in yoghurt. Milk shouldn't go bad that fast as long as the fridge is turned on. It was turned on -- it wasn't plugged in. I don't think junior understands electricity. Uncle red, didn't he wire the lodge? Yup -- it's fine unless you plug anything in. Rather than throw the milk away, which would be a waste of money, junior has decided to make his own cheese. So if you're looking for a show with cheese, you've come to the right place. (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): Bill gives my van a milk bath. Winston brings something special to the show-and-tell department. Then harold -- uh, I think he has a mouse up his leg. I've got some termite damage in the barn. (audience laughing) I'm ready for anything now, harold. Junior's homemade cheese getting a little ripe, is it? The cheese has attracted an animal. Now it's living inside the walls of junior's house. Probably just a mouse. That's what I think. But, I better take this -- there might be two of them. You're afraid of a mouse, a little, wee, tiny mouse. It's not like it's a mountain lion or anything. I'd prefer a mountain lion. Bigger is better -- the size of the animal is inversely proportional to the amount of fear. Guys that will stare down a bear, go nuts when they see a three-inch spider. I wonder why? -- Oh, I know! I betcha I know why! A bear can't crawl into your underwear when you're sleeping. (laughing and applause) oh yeah? -- Tell that to moose thompson. Oh yeah! That was funny. That was a big fella. You're dressed like the terminator to take on a mouse? -- How big is it? Or should I say how little is it? It's about the same size at that one on your pant leg. Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! (red): With junior making the homemade cheese, bill thought he'd show you how to make cheese, kind of an educational segment on the show this week. "step one: Pure milk." start with pure milk. And, to a lot of the kids at home, maybe, or some of the older kids -- no, you got that... Ok, start again. A lot of educational shows show you when things go perfectly. That's not the way life goes. A lot of times things go badly, it's good to see when you meet an obstacle... Would you just... All right, that would be going in that pail, would it not? Hmm. Uh, so the idea is you get the milk into the pail. Always have extra bags. You can use heat. Bill, no, no, no. You're gonna scald the milk. This is good though. Trial and error is a big part of educ-- what's going on? All right, now those are open. Now what? Ok, plan "b". This is still pure milk. These are the cartons. That's a good point. The plastic, for some kids, maybe they're a bit hard to open. These have got the pour spout unit on there. We may not have time to actually make the cheese during this segment. We'll come back later and make the cheese. You get the milk in there. We'll come back -- oh. Your wife's relatives are coming over at 9:30. You'd like it to be a short visit -- no problem. Yak with them from 9:30 to 9:45. At 9:45 you stop talking, they get bored, they go home. 10:00, try and get the wife to do the same thing. 10:15, get them to do the same thing. 10:30, you start turning the lights out. Maybe try yawning real loud and fall down on the floor. 10:45, sneak out to the driveway and start their car. 11:00, you put on your pyjamas and yell "good night" from upstairs. Don't feel guilty. We all need more sleep as we get older. They're relatives. They'll forgive you eventually. You don't owe anybody. Darn right -- no sense staying up late just because of some stupid new-year's-eve tradition. (applause) ♪ of all the things that matter in life ♪ ♪ nothing's as important as friends ♪ ♪ pals that you can lean on ♪ ♪ at the beginning, middle and end ♪ ♪ I share my problems with my friends ♪ ♪ 'cause that's what friends are for ♪ ♪ now I owe them so much money ♪ ♪ they tend not to come around any more ♪ what?! Nothing, harold. Nobody likes unwanted pests invading their house. That's why there are so few family reunions. I'm talking about the four-legged kind, mice, raccoons, bears. I thought I'd use "handyman corner" to detect whether or not you have an animal problem. Everybody's house is different. Your living room might have a completely different decor. But it doesn't matter. The signs of animal and insect infestation are pretty much the same. Take this beam. We've got some termite damage. If we let this go, this could become a write-off. The first thing we want to do, we've got to kill the termites. (coughing) (coughing) not only killed the termites, probably took a healthy bite out of the ozone. Take a couple of boards. Strap them up on either side of the beam. This way you restore its original strength. (creaking) that was my fault. I should have duct-taped that. Doesn't matter though. We've got lots of other beams holding the building up. But somebody should keep an eye on that. Could be dangerous -- no, it's fine. You may have some rooms you hardly ever use, like a fitness room, a guest room or a library. Check them once in a while. Could have some unwanted visitors. You know what you're looking for, eh? Droppings. I hate to say "droppings" on television, but, it's better than the other terms. If you're looking for mouse droppings, they're like those tart-topping things. Rabbit droppings are more like the chocolate-covered raisin. Raccoon droppings, that's a bigger candy bar yet. If you find enough droppings, it will cure your sweet tooth. Oh my gosh. All right. Uh... Quite a quantity of her there. It looks like we've had a herd of shetland ponies up in this area. Anyway, if you do find droppings in your house, that's a pretty good sign that they're sneaking in somewhere. You must have some hole somewhere. If I didn't know better, I'd say we had a wall missing here. Check the outside of your home for holes animals could be getting in. This mortar has fallen away from these stones. That hole's big enough for a mouse or bat, even a raccoon if they're moving fast enough, like they bounced off the fender of a speeding vehicle. Some of this is surface wear. Doesn't go through. Find out if the hole goes through. Get a bit of water. Pour that in there. If you get water showing up in your basement that wasn't there before you did the test, well, then you've got a problem. Check your whole house for any kind of crack, even the smallest hole where animals could get in. Do that until you run out of water or you get bored out of your mind. If you've got animals, you're better to deal with them right away than to let her go to the point where they start fighting you for use of the bathroom. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Of course, a fire is a good way of getting rid of mice. I'd only use that as a last resort. And you want to wait till the water dries. (whistling nonchalantly) stay tuned for more advice from dalton and I. Soon you'll find yourself going on and on about every topic under the sun. You're going to wonder "why am I suddenly 'the encyclopedia britannica' "in shorts and a t-shirt? "and why this overwhelming urge to tell anyone with ears?" well, you're a middle-aged man now, and middle-aged men know everything. Oh yeah. Middle-aged men know the best route on any highway from anyplace to another place. We know how to fix stuff. We know how to cut the lawn properly. We know everything. But you've got to keep this knowledge to yourself. I know that you know your neighbour's planting that shrub the wrong way. I, too, have seen my wife wallpaper the bedroom the hard way. Keep your mouth shut. When they find out how smart we are, they get jealous. I don't know who said "a little knowledge is a dangerous thing." I'm guessing it was a middle-aged man. Whatever you know, and I know it's a lot, keep it under your hat and you'll keep your friends. Believe me -- I know. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. (applause and cheering) welcome to "the experts" portion of the show. This week we have two experts, my uncle red, and mr. Winston rothschild. (applause and cheering) the letter goes: "dear experts, "my wife says she wants a face-lift, "but I think she looks just great the way she is. "how can I convince her she's beautiful?" first, you want to is avoid certain words. "saggy," "wrinkled," "weather-beaten". (laughing) talk about how cosmetic surgery is a waste of medical resources. This is money doctors should be spending on things like liver transplants, 'cause as long as you can keep socking back the booze, you won't care what your wife looks like. (laughing) well, you know what self-help guru and king of the infomercials, anthony anthony, says. He says whatever people want to hear. Anthony says if you look after the surface, the centre will look after itself. Yeah, anthony anthony has always said you only feel as good as you look. If that was true, the guys at the lodge would be all dead. I think you'll have to come to grips with the fact that people judge you by your appearance. Take me -- if it weren't for my great looks, would I be who I am today? The king of the septics? Exactly! Hit the nail right on the head. You wouldn't believe what these people can do. They've got that thing, uh, hipposuction. (laughing) I mean, they can even give you a fanny transplant. Work the problem from both ends. I've had the face-lift, the tummy tuck, the tushy implants. Tushy implants? Oh yeah, check this out. Go ahead, red, feel the quality. Thanks anyway, winston. I'm sure you've got the best seat in the house. (laughing) harold? Oh, oh-ho-ho. All right, no problem. Suit yourselves. I disagree with cosmetic surgery. People realize that beauty is only skin deep. You honestly believe that, harold? He's counting on it. (applause) oh, man. I'll tell you, that was a life experience. I hope you didn't kill that mouse. We sure did. Aw, that poor thing with little eyes and nose and little ears and the curly tail? No -- sorry, harold, I thought you said "house." (laughing) I guess we were nervous. Nobody wanted to go inside. We thought we'd scare the mouse out by throwing shovels and garbage cans against the side of the place. That didn't work. Then we thought we'd peel the siding off and flush him out that way. Junior doesn't have siding. You should have mentioned that a little earlier. We had the front exposed. Stinky peterson pointed out we were at the wrong house. (laughing) we were at old lady benkman's place. I don't care if she did have a migraine. There's no excuse for that kind of language. (laughing and applause) (red): All right, we're back making cheese with bill. We're ready for step 2 of, I think there's 4. There's more than two, anyway. So now he's set to put the vinegar -- the sign said "ed rennet" -- you read it. He put exactly one cup of vinegar -- he's got the milk already in the pail. Apparently when you add the one cup of vinegar to the two quarts, or four quarts -- I forget. That is the right kind of chemical proportion that gives you exactly the mix that will eventually turn into cheese. (hissing and boiling) there's probably a cup in there. You can hear the chemical reaction. Boy, that smelled real special. He pulls it out and it's formed kind of -- these are the curds. They look like curds, dot they? What we got to do with that is... Basically you have cheese-type things. You have to, ok, "drain excess liquid (whey)" why? -- Well, because you need that out of there. So, bill has this nightie in his pocket for some reason. He spreads that out on the table. And, uh, then we put the "why" in there on the where, and when would be now, and now he ties that in a knot. The cheese portions are solid, but the uncheese -- the non-cheese areas are liquid. So you've got to get the non-cheese particles, anything that's not cheese you want out of there so that you're left with just the cheese. But there's quite a bit in this that's not cheese still. There is a fair bit of cheese. It's the non-cheese area that we're working on. Bill's using the boards. That's a cheese board, I guess you'd call that. Bill has an idea, which is a sign of "danger is approaching "so step back." ah, this is the bobcat cheese-squashing technique. And, uh, he's getting the liquid out of the cheese. Stay tuned. We'll eventually finish this. Man. Stay tuned for harold making another fashion statement. There's one thing that mice do that no other animal can do. That is make other mice. Boy, are they good at it. Seems like every hour there's another 100 mice scurrying around junior's place. Harold went over to see what he could do. Probably try and reason with the mice. (panting) how did go? Good, fine, fine, good. There's a lot of mice over there, uncle red! They have a boring life -- they eat and sleep. They procreate just to pass the time. That must be quite a life, eh? Oh, for... (laughing) (red): Meanwhile, back at the cheese project, we're still trying to squeeze all the last bits of non-cheese -- I pronounced that as "why," but it's "whey." and what you want is cheese with no whey. It looks like no way to me. We're trying everything. This is kind of a lesson for you kids that making cheese is kind of like life. The longer you work at it, the riper it gets. We're going to introduce the centrifugal -- wait a sec. Bill, I'd rather be the -- excuse me -- thank you. I would rather be the spinner than the spinee. I like to be in the centre of my universe, particularly when there's cheese involved. Bill is more of a spectator. Look out, bill. Oh, I'm sorry. Anyway, we got all the water out of the cheese. Look at that. That's pure cheese. That's head cheese. Oh, don't eat that. You'll spoil your dinner. Ooo. It's "male call". That's loud. Ok. The first letter on "male call" goes as follows. It's a letter from beb in now jorsoy. What? I think that's supposed to be bob in new jersey. Bob's typewriter is doing an "o" and "e" backwards. Ha. Ok, uh... "dear rod, "my typowritor is werking preporly. "tho 'o' and 'e' aro rovorsod." I think he means the "o" and "e" are reversed. "I roally liko "'tho rod groon shew'. "it's lets ef fun fer ovoryeno." ovoryeno? Everyone, everyone. "o" and "e" are reversod -- reversed. They're reversed. (laughing) "my wifo, elivo..." oh, that's his wife, olive. "my wifo, elivo, and I onjey all tho crazy hijinks "and geefy jekos." (laughing) "and I must say that funny nutbar bill "cracks up my nino-yoar-eld sen, stovo, "with his zany antics and feelish plets. "anyway, koop up the geed werk. "wo think it's the bost now "t.V. Pregrammo since 'baywatch'". (laughing) "and much bottor than watching sperts." "basically, "it's a teur do ferco." teur do ferco? Tour de force. Excellent. I mean "oxcollont." (laughing) "leng livo 'tho rod groon shew'. "bost wishos, beb and elivo." well, beb and elivo, thanks for writing. Koop watching. Wo levo yeur cards and lottors and koop yeur stick en tho ico. What's that? Keep your stick on the ice. Oh, cool. I mean, ceel. The mice are gone? Yeah, it's safe, harold. Ah, good. I got to give junior credit. Throughout the mouse problem, he worked on perfecting his cheese, adjusting the flavour, lowering the flashpoint. (laughing) the more he worked on the cheese, the less the mice became interested in it. Maybe it wasn't cheese any more. Only two things smell that bad. We decided to keep calling it cheese. (laughing) junior noticed the mice weren't coming into the kitchen, so he spread the cheese around other rooms, and drove the mice out. He threw it on the porch. It was carried off by buzzards. That's an excellent solution. No -- he's been charged with buzzard abuse. (squealing) meeting time, uncle red. Go ahead, harold. If my wife is watching, this reminds me that a marriage is like a quality cheese. The older it gets, the sharper it is as long as you keep the fridge plugged in. To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself, harold, and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and whistling) (possum squeal) (harold): Ok, he's here, he's here. Stand up, stand up. (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): Sit down, guys. (harold): The possum lodge road crew is putting up signs. They said they don't mind you shooting at them. Just wait till they're back in the truck. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. For more information on red green and possum lodge merchandise, call... Or find us on the internet at... Boy, this is too much!